The Things We Like/Hate

The other day, as I was thinking of the things I liked, I started thinking of the things I hate, then I started thinking of what John likes and hates. The result was this:


The Top 15 Things I Like:

- Staying in bed till whenever I want
- Not having to wash my face in cold mornings
- Hot tea right before sleep
- The back of John's neck right after he has got a hair-cut
- The Indian food "aloo gobi" that my mother-in-law makes

- The pop song "Sexy Sexy Lover" by Modern Talking (my parents used to listen to Modern Talking when I was a kid and they were just back to Iran after graduation here... Thomas Anders' voice brings sweet childhood memories with it)

- The smart students in my on-line Farsi class (and those from my English class back in Iran)

- People who respect my territory and privacy

- Cuddling up with John in cold weather (or warm, lukewarm or hot weather!)

- Petting the two cats we have, Gypsy and Bastet, and listening to them purring

- When John opens a door for me, or gets me flowers

- Jungian psychoanalysis

- French fries and French language

- Garlic bread

- Relaxing when John is playing the guitar

The Top 15 Things I Hate:

- The smell of dead fish in the sink

- Noisy nagging impolite kids whose parents keep spoiling them

- When I'm in the mood for cuddling and John is not

- Having to clean the kitty litter every other day

- Having to walk on icy roads

- Having to smile in the face of a guest I don't like

- Having to be careful not to hurt the people I love by being me

- Cutting the frozen chicken for making food, and ending up with frozen fingertips

- Having to keep posting on my blog to make sure I'm getting enough traffic

- Crappy songs with the same rhythm being repeated for 3 hours straight

- Abusive people, also men who do not know how to behave around ladies

- Noisy hinges, specially when I try to be sneaky

- People who have no idea of respect and privacy

- The headmaster of my secondary school back in Iran

- The insects that bite me in summer

The Top 15 Things John Likes:

- The Persian dishes loobia-polo and shevid (baghali)-polo I make

- Bach

- Soft clothes

- Mangoes

- Beautiful smart ladies

- Flamenco dance and guitar

- Cats and dogs and frogs and lamas

- The massage I give him when he's back home after a long day of work

- Nice smells

- The way I take care of him

- Violins

- Indian food (specially chicken tikka mesala along with "naan" bread)

- People with sense of humor

- Excellence in everything

- My cheeks

The Top 15 Things John Hates:

- Having to wake up early in the morning

- Being harassed (by me) while playing a computer game

- Crappy music

- Snobs

- Making mistakes

- Plain food

- Loud parties that will take more than 3 hours

- Being touched by my freezing toes when we're in bed

- Getting too creative when it comes to food recipes

- The idea of the possibility of me getting hurt (either emotionally or physically)

- The idea of me not wanting to spend money for myself

- Having headaches or not feeling energetic enough

- Paperwork of any kind

- Blockheads, either pretty or ugly

- Arguments, no matter what

Well...that's it so far :)

Western/Eastern on the Concept of Love: A Casual Conversation

This is part of my chat with an American friend that ended up worthy enough to be published here. Obviously, these are our personal views and do not signify any truth... yet, It's interesting to read:

[…]
Me: when i think about the concept of "love", i feel most people either dont experience it at all, or just have a shadowy experience of it
Me: most people do not want to spend time and energy for falling in love
Me: they want something quick, ALREADY compatible
Friend: yes...few are willing to work at it
Me: just look at all these match-making websites
Me: even love has reduced to quantity here, instead of quality
Me: everything should be FAST in the western world
Friend: people are always searching for something.. might even be that what they are searching for does not exist
Me: well
Me: you know whats wrong with those ppl?
Me: they're selfish
Friend: tell me
Me: deeply selfish
Me: they want the world to offer them something they want
Me: but they dont want to change themselves in ways to suit what they can find
Friend: instant gratification
Me: thats the core problem of westerners and also modern easterners
Me: yes
Me: they just look for shorter, faster things
Me: but the easy way is almost always NOT the right way
Friend: disposable society.. even people are disposable
Me: exactly
Me: and these people think they are really smart
Me: they are not, in fact
Me: because they are missing the great opportunity of falling in love
Me: it's hard, but it's the most amazing thing in the world
Me: when you start to modify your ways for the pleasure of someone you love
Me: it's a voluntary effort that shows you are mature enough as a human-being to actually be in love
Friend: they don't all want love.. but they all seem to want attention
Me: that's when you deserve the right partner
Me: that's very true
Me: attention-seekers
Me: rather than love-seekers
Me: we have a lot of attention-seekers nowadays, and not enough love-seekers
Friend: it's always been that way i'm sure
Me: love-seekers are left behind in history books or in the graves of ancient time
Me: right...but NEVER in the history of mankind, it has turned into a cultural phenomenon that is prevailing as it is now
Me: love was not this commercial ever
Me: now you look everywhere...it's suffocating everybody to know what man New York will finally choose
Me: or, in the height of their open-mindedness to accept bisexuality... what man or woman Tila Tequila will eventually end up with
Me: that's all TV shows can offer about love
Friend: our society and economic systems are based on competition
Me: everything in the western world is based on competition
Me: worse than survival of the fittest laws
Me: you know what?
Friend: what?
Me: im going to resort to some far spot someday, with my books and my old love letters
Me: far from the madding crowd
Friend: might be lonely there
Me: of course not
Me: God is there
Me: He's not here for sure, since everybody is too busy to notice Him lol
Friend: good luck with that
Me: thanks
Me: thats really my dream
Friend: i like people around me
Me: i need to get out of this comfort zone
Me: of potato chips and computers and busy lifestyle
Friend: you don't have to join the crowd to live amongst it
Me: i like ppl too, but doesnt mean im ready to suffocate myself by being extra-social
Friend: that's what i do..i exist in society...but i don't thrust myself deep into it
Me: it's just... something is really missing in American lifestyle and you cannot understand it, since you're born here, have been living here, and most probably after a nice long life with die here
Me: it's not just that
Me: this is the society that keeps you from thinking otherwise
Me: and you have no choice, because you have a family, a job, etc
Me: you cannot just leave things behind
Me: and that i understand..can be so hard
Friend: i don't want to be in a position where i can just leave everything behind and go off and do nothing.. that isn't fulfilling to me
Me: exactly...you think im talking about "go off and do nothing"
Me: that's exactly why you can't get my point, because as an American you're immersed in this culture
Me: nothing wrong with that, though…most probably, I am immersed in my own culture too!
Me: but just means this communication barrier between us cannot be easily removed..by us I mean between typically-eastern mentality and typically-western mentality
Me: most probably there are concepts I WOULD not understand, either
Me: because im not immersed in the American culture yet
Me: but by leaving things behind, i didnt mean to go off and do nothing
Me: i meant to start facing yourself and understanding yourself WITHOUT the help of all those mirrors around that you call people or friends or family
Friend: that's the thing..you see our culture as a prison where we can't leave.. that's far from it, we are free to leave at any time.. what did you have to go through to leave your country?
Me: i know what westerners are afraid of above all...it's not terrorists, it not nuclear bombs, it's not cancer or AIDS..it's something else
Friend: what?
Me: it's being alone by themselves to face themselves
Me: hence they create all this "busy-ness" which they call "business" just NOT to be alone by themselves, because they have no idea how to handle themselves
Me: it can be scary, to focus on yourself WITHOUT any distraction at hand
Friend: i'm talking about barriers..what barriers did you have to come here?
Me: I am the person who choose to fall in love, forgot it?
Me: I am not one of these comfort-seekers who puts an ad on a match-making site and wait for some magical partner to stop by and knock on their door
Friend: you also chose to fall in love with a westerner
Me: yes
Me: which is even harder
Me: which meant i had to totally consider changing my ways..my familiar ways
Me: which i did
Me: since i know how to fall in love
Friend: why didn't you make him change his ways instead?
Me: he did too
Me: we both did
Me: he knows how to fall in love, too
Me: we both changed our ways to please eachother
Me: as much as we could
Me: and we are STILL doing this… most probably we will be doing this forever lol which is good
Me: I am sure I would have been a totally different person if I had not fallen in love with John… most probably I would have been a bit more selfish, less flexible, more austere, less emotional… with him, I'm sure if he had not fallen in love with me, he could have ended up a bit more selfish too, less of a dreamer, more confused, and of course, less smiling :)
[…]

Pornography: An Analysis

A few days ago I read a nice article on pornography. The author had discussed the myths about pornography, offering scientific details. These were the myths:

MYTH ONE: “Obsession with porn is due to a character defect.”
MYTH TWO: “There’s no scientific evidence that porn is addictive.”
MYTH THREE: “Those who suggest porn is harmful are anti-sex and/or religious extremists.”

And these are some excerpts I chose:

"The human brain has never had to contend with such an assault, which is strategically calculated to stimulate this vulnerable part of the male brain. A few short decades ago young men usually got their first glimpses of bare breasts in National Geographic. Then came “Playboy,” “Hustler,” X-rated films, hard-core porn, and now the Internet. In effect, today’s porn viewers are guinea pigs in a mass experiment. It is quite possible that male brains are not well suited to handle this overload of erotica without losing their equilibrium."

"Sex is as natural as sugar, but when we use it in a binge pattern, as many porn users do, then it has the potential for addiction."

"Porn is like junk food. It can easily promote unhealthy isolation or shallow, risky relationships. It therefore interferes with relationships that have the greatest potential to nourish us. In this respect porn itself is anti-sex, even if it is pro-orgasm. Moreover, like junk food, porn can give rise to an unruly addiction."

"The porn industry is similar to the tobacco industry - driven by the addictions of its users. This demand, which both industries do everything in their power to increase, makes it hard to curb porn production. However, there is much that can be done to educate potential users and users about the true risks of using porn, and how to seek recovery once hooked."

If you are interested in reading the whole article, visit Reuniting: Healing with Sexual Relationships.

Long Argument about Sex Roles!

While reviewing the saved text chats of John and I, I found this which I think is both funny and interesting... already sounds like a scene from a play!

12/23/2005

Tina: i believe in perfection
Tina: nothing
Tina: just know how crazy i am
Tina: then decide
Tina: im not really the kitchen type
Tina: or the bed type
Tina: or the motherly type
Tina: or any type
Tina: im something hard to live with
Tina: im kind
Tina: loving
Tina: giving
Tina: protecting
Tina: yet hard to live with
Tina: i can drive you mad
Tina: i have the potential to drive you mad
Tina: and also to make you feel so happy
Tina: the happiest man on earth
Tina: generally
Tina: i can be a better friend .. or a lover than a nice wife
Tina: that's the truth about me
John: so what type are you?!
John: we need to eat!
John: i dont cook!
Tina: i cook
Tina: surely
John: we have to be realistic
Tina: i adore food lol
John: i know a few dishes
Tina: sure
John: but with my hours
John: i wont be able to cook
Tina: ill cook
Tina: i love that
John: thats your job sweetie! lol
Tina: sure
Tina: its settled
John: so youll have to like the kitchen
John: otherwise
John: we are eating McDonalds!
Tina: cleaning is yours.. cooking is mine
Tina: shopping is mine too
John: cleaning?
John: you want me to clean too?
Tina: too?
Tina: lol
Tina: that would be your sole job in the house
Tina: ill do the rest
John: well
John: i dont like to dust
Tina: cooking and shopping and dishwashing is mine
Tina: then what do you like to do?
Tina: sitting and playing games?
John: i have sentimental attachment with dust
John: becuase i know my skin particles are there
John: we can play the guitar
John: music
John: creativity
Tina: then well need to hire a maid
Tina: an old one
John: and i will wait anxiously for the food
Tina: so that you cant get romantic around her when im not there!
John: sure
Tina: lol
Tina: shell be over 50 anyway
John: noooooooooo
John: she has to be a french maid
John: 22 years old
Tina: over 50
John: nooo
Tina: thats it
Tina: not even 49
John: hell no
John: hell no
Tina: hell yes
John: 22
Tina: sure yes
John: from france
John: with that cute outfit
Tina: 50 from morocco
Tina: lol
Tina: 50?
Tina: nice then
John: depends
Tina: i see im going to get married to a man with a terrible taste lol
Tina: bad taste
John: now that i think about it
Tina: common taste
John: how so?
John: i love beauty
Tina: 50-year-old moroccan maids have ugly spots on their face!
John: forget about it..i can fix the things around the house
John: light bulb
Tina: lol
John: i can paint
John: do stuff like that around the house
Tina: so you expect me to clean the toilets?
John: ill clean the kitty litter thats all
John: i do that all the time
Tina: do you think its gentlemanly for you to let me do that?
John: everytime i sit down
John: i spray it with lysol
Tina: ok then
John: and wipe it good before using it
Tina: thats your job still
Tina: not mine
Tina: lol
John: so... it gets cleaned automatically by me very often
John: but women usually do that you know
John: you can get the tub and sink
Tina: not me
John: moping and sweeping all you
John: cleaning and cooking
John: all you
Tina: thats not fair
John: well
John: we can say its my duty
John: but im like a stubborn teenager
John: ill say ill do it
John: but i wont
John: dishes is you too
John: but youll be yelling at me to do things
Tina: then we leave it at that.. dishes can pile up
Tina: lol
John: and youll end up doing it yourself
Tina: im used to see piled up dishes everywhere
John: because i get into my creative modes and i cant be stopped!
Tina: and im used to live in dust
Tina: lol
John: i wont do dishes
John: because my hands wont fit in cups
John: soap will damage my hands
Tina: ill do them despite my hatred
John: and there are knives and forks
John: men arent supposed to do dishes
Tina: so you need to be a bit more cooperative
John: our hands are too big
Tina: women arent supposed to do toilets
Tina: or sinks
Tina: or tubs
John: but youll be home for 6 months
Tina: your dad used to do the tubs lol
John: thats not true
Tina: not your mom
John: here they do
John: and indian women do
John: indian women are the best cleaners in the world
Tina: not how ive been raised up
John: the bathroom is the ladies area
Tina: its all my dad's job to do here
John: it has a mirror
Tina: my dad cleans the sinks and tubs and all
John: and women like things to be tidy and clean
John: not men
Tina: ok then
Tina: im not a woman then
Tina: you're going to marry Tina
Tina: not a woman
Tina: TINA
John: i just spray the toilet seat with lysol because i have OCD and i dont like germs
Tina: so i dont care
John: oh stop it
John: its not that bad
John: after all that
Tina: i wont do the cleaning
John: we can make love
John: and read books
John: stop that
John: are you on strike already?
Tina: i wont turn into a housewife
Tina: yes i am!
Tina: you can get maids
John: thats what you will be for 6 months
John: dont get all feminist on me
John: that crap doesnt work with me
Tina: neither with me
John: you dont want to do the dishes... fine
John: ill do them
Tina: so we can happily live in dust
John: but if theres a problem with the car
Tina: i dont have a problem with that lol
John: when there is a blizzard outside, and we are stuck on the highway...
John: guess what
Tina: i know
John: you're getting out there and under the car and under the hood to fix it
Tina: but its not just practical
Tina: im going to both work and go to school
John: ill stay nice and toasty in the car.. and file my guitar nails
John: thats different
John: thats why we might need another wife!
John: lol
Tina: no
Tina: we need another maid
Tina: and a bit more cooperation from you
John: screw maid
John: you want me to get the bathroom
John: and do it as my chore?
Tina: no
John: i can
Tina: in fact
Tina: i dont want you to do anything
Tina: ill do them all myself
Tina: really
John: i will clean the bathroom
John: ill do it
John: no problem
Tina: you can if youd like to
Tina: but no problem if you dont like to
Tina: thats it
John: but when theres a problem with the roof in the winter, and there is ice on the shingles, you have to go up there on the ladder and get on the roof with the hammer and nails
John: ill get the bathroom :-)
John: no problemo
John: should i cook too?
Tina: its just..if i were a man.. i couldnt see my lady bending down over the bathtub cleaning it with her little hands
Tina: her weak arms
John: lol
Tina: but i think maybe we're different in this
John: women clean the bathroom here
John: in fact
John: they dont let the men
John: and
John: walking in the bathroom
John: with your lady bending over
John: is the best time to have some nice spontaneous loving making.. just when she isnt expecting it
Tina: yes
Tina: sure
Tina: but still
Tina: after that
John: i just cant see you on the roof when its ice cold out with a hammer in your hands!!!!!
John: hmm
John: depends
John: its just
John: i believe cleaning the house
John: is the woman's job
John: decorating it
John: its hers
John: even if the man pays for it
John: its like
John: my cats.. are mine really.. so they are my responsibility really
John: feeding them, their litter.. i will do that
John: thats mine
John: my car
John: our cars
John: is my responsibility
John: to maintain
John: i could leave it for you
John: but i wont
John: its a man's job
Tina: i thought you were a bit more flexible with the idea of sex roles
John: the garage and tool shed
John: is mine
Tina: just that
John: sure
John: i am
John: but im talking about housely responsibilities
John: now..
Tina: then what is all this about? lol
John: if you go to work and school
John: we will face a problem
John: ill be doing most of the house stuff
John: and im going to be cranky
John: but ill have to deal with it
John: you can bet.. that the house wont be so clean
John: and the quality of my cleaning will be low
Tina: i wouldn't care
Tina: its alright
John: if there is any cleaning done by me at all! lol
Tina: its ok
John: ill try
Tina: i just dont want to feel limited in certain ways
Tina: neither of us
John: isnt this all complicated?
Tina: it is
Tina: we need to do things on a schedule
Tina: and share things
John: sure
Tina: when im not home..youll cover for me.. when you're not.. I'll cover
Tina: besides
Tina: you're a man
Tina: dont forget
Tina: you're stronger than me
John: its just..
John: kind of gay to be doing dishes
John: a man does it when he's alone
John: but when there is a woman there
John: and she's not doing them
John: it looks bad for both!
Tina: i see you're obsessed with this senseless gay stuff
John: the man's parents say
John: why are there so many dishes there?
John: and
John: you are skinny.. is that wife even feeding you at all?!?!
Tina: i see you have the same crap over there..sex roles!
John: why is the house a mess
Tina: the same crap we have over here
Tina: the hell with parents
Tina: literally
Tina: and the hell with all
Tina: i care about us..you and I
John: but it is my money that funds our life
John: so traditional women have their duty
Tina: so you feel you're going to hire me?
John: it is hard work
Tina: im not traditional
John: but you feel good doing it and having your man come home.. busted from work... and complimenting you on the amazing food and clean house
Tina: you know that
John: well
Tina: sure
Tina: if i have the damn time
John: just dont get feminist on me.. cause ill beat that right out of you
Tina: ill do it twice a day
Tina: cleaning and cooking and all
Tina: but i know i wont have time
Tina: ill be busy
Tina: so we need to be practical
John: right
Tina: and
John: well
Tina: im not feminist
John: if you want
John: youll have work and school
John: i can just stay home
John: and be a housewife myself!
John: LOL
John: have a baby
Tina: i have no idea
John: and ill raise it
John: dont worry!
Tina: maybe i should not get married
John: LOLOLOL!
John: hahaheheha
Tina: and im not feminist
John: that was a good one!
Tina: youre like all other men in this respect
John: you know it!
Tina: as i can see
John: id be such a sissy man at home
John: with the cleaning gloves on
John: and the mop
John: yes
John: men want their wives to take care of them
Tina: i thought you were realllly more flexible with all this stuff
John: its fundamental
Tina: sure
Tina: ill do
Tina: like i said
Tina: so stop this
John: im flexible
Tina: listen
John: very
John: its just
John: i have lunch now!
Tina: i dont care about all this
John: LOL
John: me either
Tina: im just trying to be me
John: just do the damn dishes and their wont be a problem!!! :-)
Tina: ill do them
Tina: like i said
John: i have to go sweetie
John: i have to go now lol
Tina: and ill do anything else as long as i can
John: relaxxxxx
John: you're appreciated
John: and i have hope in you
Tina: just wanted you to stay flexible about all this and dont think that traditional
Tina: ok
Tina: go take care of your business
Tina: take care
John: well
John: we will talk later
John: Muah
Tina: ok
John: im having indian food
Tina: muah
Tina: very nice
Tina: enjoy
John: and im taking extra time so i have to run!
John: bye
Tina: bye

John is away at 9:29:59 PM.

Venezuelan Piece

This is one of the first guitar pieces John ever recorded for me... He sent this to me in April 2005, where we had not met eachother in person yet. I actually recorded a video for him of me dancing to this piece as he was playing it. It came out nice, and he recorded more video performances for me in the span of 10 months before us meeting in Istanbul, Turkey.

This is still one of my most favorites, though: Andrenia Valse by Antonio Lauro. Hope you enjoy it as I did (DO NOT forget to pause the background music being played on the right margin under "Nuclear Song of the Week", so that it won't distort the music from this video):

music

Spain: This Time Three Years Ago

It was on October 2004 when John travelled to Spain. He was 23 at that time -- full of passion for visiting his ancestors' land. He also wanted to meet a luthier to ask him about the methods of building a guitar.

I remember he was very excited about the whole idea of traveling outside the States for the first time. This is our correspondence about this trip:

Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004
Title: i am excited!

Dear John,
It is midnight here ( 11:53 pm !) and I can't sleep. I am so excited. Just think! You are going to Spain ! I feel as if something is going up and down in my stomach. It is like when I have to pass a difficult exam, but it is far more exciting! It is as if I am going with you too! I surprised myself. I cannot possibly manage to stay awake at this time of night, but I AM awake! lol! Thinking of you! I really feel as if it is my own trip as well. I just wonder how I would take it if after twenty years of our married life you had to go somewhere without me! LOL! I shall again feel excited for you! Just like now… I wanted to make it a bit more pleasant for you, so I tried to attach this audio file (I guess it would take me an hour to do so! My internet speed is low. My brother helped me modify the file, though. It was 6 mb first, but now it is 2 mb or so) and also I'm sending you the lyrics and Loreena Mckenith's explanation about the way she was inspired to compose this piece. She wrote it in Morocco , and when it was Ramadan…Just like the way you are going to experience it! I hope you like the piece.

Yours Ever,
Tina


John sent me an email from Granada, Spain, titled as "Espana!!!"
The date is Sat, 23 Oct 2004:

Dear Tina,

I made it through the flights. The worst is getting on, and taking off.. And maybe the take off. Flying in the atlantic also gets rough, cause every now and then they tell you tp pùt on your saftely belts, (because it gets bumped ) this scared the shit balls outta me! But other than that, it was no big deal. The second flight was a breeze. It was less than an hour long, and it was a smaller plane. It was much easier. I think the night flights are scarier. But I should be ok.
Other than that.. I am LOVING IT. It is 100 times more beautiful
than I had thought. Granada is such a breath taking city. Ive got plenty of pictures so far. My god.. the views. the history, the beauty is endless!!
Right now I´m at a internet cafe, and they are charging me an arm and a leg. so I have to make this brief. But I´ll write again.
My dear, I´ve been thinking about you a lot lately. YOU SHOULD BE HERE. Thats just about the only problem. This place is magical. The Alhambra... oh my god. There is also a renaissance cathedral. It is all very stunning and overwhelming. I love it here. I want to be here forever!!! AHHH!! But again. .. it would be nice if you were here. I will write again.

P.S.. please leave me your number. I forgot to bring it with me, because I left in such a haste. What was the correct country code again? I remember the one you gave me was wrong, and I had to correct it.

-Much kisses
-John


Sat, 23 Oct 2004
Title: bon voyage!

Dear John,

IT WAS WONDERFUL to read your letter from Spain ! I was checking my mail every two hours from the very moment you departed, so that I could discover any trace of you, and finally it was there! THANK YOU!
I am so cheerful you have found Spain that amazing! I knew you would enjoy it a lot…so you could make it, dear! The flight over the Atlantic and the rest!! And you talked about the "breath-taking" beauty of Granada . That's just marvelous to know that you are there to experience it all… I DO WISH I were there with you…maybe some day we would make it together (for a honeymoon, maybe, LOL, how's that?) I'm happy that you feel happy there, my love. I'm looking forward to seeing all the pictures you've got so far, and you will get later!

Take care,
Your own Tina

PS: [I had provided my phone number here] I'll be home everyday (except on Sundays) after 1 pm here, that means after 10 or 11 am your time in Spain (I guess we are 3 hours ahead here in Iran)…so, I'll be glad to virtually talk to you…well, almost everybody here knows you're going to call me up from Spain ! lol! So, feel free with anybody who may pick up the phone, and ask for me, dear. I'll be right there for you (as quickly as the jinni in the The Arabian Nights!!)
PSS: I keep praying for your happiness and joy. Enjoy doubly dear! *muah*


Date: Mon, 25 Oct 2004

My dearest John,

It was such a blessing to talk to you this evening. Your voice was comforting as ever, and a bit tired. I am sorry if I got that impatient, I was waiting to hear your voice all day long and then Yahoo was on my way! I couldn't let it deprive me from talking to you! Thanks for your patience, with Yahoo and with me (lol!) as well… I felt you were exhausted trying to find a laundry and all. I wished I were there to wash your clothes with my own hands. I know how to do it, when there is no laundry around! Imagine it! I would love doing that for you, darling. Washing my little Johnny's clothes! lol! I would enjoy it, I'm sure, from time to time… Now, here is the good news I guess: My dad suggested that I call you up from here! I told him about the probs with Yahoo, and that it costs you a lot to call me from Spain , and that you can't use your phone card and all, so he said I can call you up with my own phone card. He gave me money to buy one! So, I guess we can do it this way, if you want to, of course. Let me know your phone number in the hotel you stay in …or the hotel in which you will stay in the next days…I don't know, any number which can connect me to you!

Take care my love,
Tina


Dear Tina,

Thank you once again for a lovely letter. I found a laundrymat... however, its a place where they wash it for you, and charge you a lot of money. 20 Euro! I was in shock, but had no choice. At least it should come back in top condition, all folded and such. (It better for that price!) But it is sweet of you for offering to wash my clothes by hand. It would be hard where im staying right now, because my bathroom is so small. ths sink alot is so tiny, there would be no room, and no where to hang the clothes. I´m staying at a hostel. A hostel is a budget hotel. I am by myself, and paying for a fancy hotel room could get costly. If i was with someone else, it would be easier. I have no bathtub in my current room. I have to share one with the one down the hall from me. (Bath in Spanish, is tina! lol) Also, I didn´t see any phones in the hostel. But I will look. I have a phone in my room, but I believe its just for call room service, and for room service to call me (they did yesterday, because i was supposed to be out of this one room (with a tina!) at around 11, it was 1, they called up when I got in from buying the guitar, pretty pissed off! lol.. However, maybe I can use that phone to call the outside world, which just dawned upon me. I haven´t retried using my calling cards.. But now that I had just thought that my phone might be able to call outside, I´ll try it, but no gaurentees. Ill be back on here to let you know. Dont buy a calling card, Ill try my best to contact you.
Thank you very much my dear. You should be named, Tina the kind.. or Tina the marvellous, or Tina the beautiful. But here in Spain.. they know you as Tina the bath.!
Just kidding. Take care sweetie.

Muah,
-John

There isnt much to do today it seems. And it also seems that I might be grounded in Granada for the rest of the time here.

***********************************

Well... reviewing all these emails after three years brought back the sweet memories of me being fresh in love, so energetic. The same about John.

Hopefully, next autumn John and I will be able to travel to Granada -- this time together.

Hudson River and Memories

John and I spent our Thursday evening by Hudson River. There was a twisting trail, trodden by many, from where we parked our car up to the rocks facing the river. The trail itself seemed to be impenetrable at first, but it was not. John helped me walking it up to this semi-flat area, where we finally sat and enjoyed the autumn-scenting breeze and the serene scenery agitated every now and then by the Metro-North train's howling under the rocks, carrying the exhausted people back and forth.

I took this picture when it was roughly 6 pm, the sun was about to melt away behind the clouds, but still a couple of rays were piercing through the thin fluffy layer of moist, showing off their unparagoned beauty spreading all over.

It took one hour for us to shake our minds off the grandeur surrounding us, I curled up by the warmth of John's body, he put his arm around my shoulder and held me close to his chest. He showed me a dusty guitar's pick on the ground beneath our feet. I thought of all the people who had been sitting exactly on the same spot as us, feeling peaceful, thinking, dreaming, and some of them playing the guitar to the wind.

This short visit rekindled a desire for poetry in me. It was a long time I had abandoned either reading or writing poems. Right after we got back home, I went to the "middle-room" (the small room betweem the bedroom and John's violin-making workshop), where we keep our books on tiny wooden book shelves, and picked up The Complete Poems of John Keats. This book brought a flow of memories with it: On the first page, I had written in black ink:

Istanbul, Feb. 2006/ Marmara Hotel

I remembered the very first time John and I had met eachother in person: It was on Friday, Feb 10th, 2006, 10: 40 am where I met John in Ataturk Airport, Istanbul, by the conveyor belt of Iran Air passengers' baggage.

I remember the first moment we met was truly magical, as it happens in Hollywood's movies. He seemed to be a lot more enchanting than I had always imagined, he had more stars in his eyes, his skin was more fair, and his smell was more familiar than what I had imagined. When he saw me, he said, "Tina," and then gently embraced me -- affectionately, as if sending a message: "feel safe, I am here." He said I was more beautiful and taller than what he had imagined. We had seen eachother's pictures and had been chatting on webcam for long hours, but nothing could compare with that moment we held eachother "for real". We took a taxi to "Marmara" hotel, and finally when we arrived there, the first thing John wanted to do was giving me gifts, because my birthday was on Feb. 14th, the Valentine's Day, and he was all excited. He had birthday, Valentine's, and "firts-meeting" gifts for me. This book was one of the gifts I received that day.

I layed down on the single bed we have put in middle-room to provide for the time either of us wants to be alone. Sometimes I sit there and read books, sometimes John sits there and plays the guitar.

I opened the book where I had left a marker. This marker came with the book on the day I received it. It was John's ticket stub for a visit to "De La Alhambra" in Spain. The date on it was 23/10/2004. I thought to myself "the same month, three years ago". I wonder if John could guess, as he was walking through the Alhambra Palace' chambers, in three years he would be married to this girl from Iran. I guess not.

The poem I had marked was "The Endymion". I re-read the opening lines which I had recited in silence for hundreds of times:

A THING of beauty is a joy for ever:

Its loveliness increases; it will never

Pass into nothingness; but still will keep

A bower quiet for us, and a sleep

Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.

I thought of the beauty of Hudson River which had triggered all these sweet memories -- all after a short visit on a Thursday evening.

Want Your Soulmate before Meeting Him/Her

I have learnt this in life: No matter what, if you passionately, unstoppably and faithfully want something, and pray for it day and night, that thing will be certainly granted to you, and often, this would happen when you do not really feel the need for having it anymore, but you would be gently pleased when it would come to you. Strange, isn't it?

That is one of the laws of universe: want it, put a lot of passion into wanting it, then after you used all your passion and your mind calms itself down, let it go. It will come to you instantly.

I think perhaps this is God's way to inrease our potential for desiring things in our life. It is very hard, though, to start yielding to this law, since but if we are granted with something we passionately want (i. e. need) right away, the very fact of having that thing would appease our sense of urgency, and would stop our lazy minds from appreciating it the way it really is. Perhaps by wanting something passionately and persistently without having it, we naturally increase our emotional capability to accept it when it comes after we have calmed down.

This has worked for me in almost every single area of my life, but the most important one is, being lonely and weird in many ways, I started wanting to find my soulmate 5 years ago. I was 21 when I first started thinking of getting married, or I'd better say, when I first stopped my psychological resistance to the idea of getting married at all -- sharing things with a man on a very intimate level. That had always sounded like the scariest thing in the world, but something happened in my life that softened my emotions a bit: I gradually felt attracted to one of my university professors when I was a sophomore, a half-Persian, half-Austrian guy who seemed not to be threatening as a "man". He was handsome, into classical music, playing the guitar and the cello (it was not really customary for too many people in Iran to play the European instruments). I was (and am) in love with European classical music and also English language, which he could speak with the right accent. Needless to say, despite the fact that he was known for giving "nightmarish tests", I got the highest mark for that course -- for obvious reasons: I was studying those lessons and doing the homework not diligently, but rather, "passionately". All just to announce my affection for him.

I remember when I said to me closest friend that I think "I like Mr. ...", she hugged me and kissed my cheeks, all excited, saying, "You see, my lovely Tina... there can be men to whom you may feel attracted!" That was true. Perhaps before, I had come to the conclusion that I wouldn't want to be with any man, since I had not seen the type of man I could like. I started praying to God to send my soulmate, the man whom He has specially created for me, to me -- and strangely enough, I got this feeling in me that my marriage would not be "regular", and that my soulmate was living in another geographical part... very far from me.

It took me 2 years of passionate prayer, day and night, a lot of hope and tears. I started keeping a diary, talking to my "man", as if he was already there with me, in front of me, holding me. I could visualize our happy life together... almost every single moment of it.

It would be simplistic to say that this huge amount of emotional energy released in the universe could leave it unaffected. Actually, it moved the universe to work for us, my soulmate and me, to meet eachother.

Then there came a period of me losing my passion and being all calm... still waiting, though, in the back of my mind. I kept praying, not frantically anymore -- very gently. That calmness was strange to me, since obviously the desire was still in me, but as if I had already burnt out my passion for it... it was there in a very invisible way.

I graduated as the top student of English Language and Literature Department. I passed the entrance exam for MA, ranked 11 in Iran (English Language and Literature), and continued my schooling in the same university.

It was on September 16th, 2004, 2: 34 pm that John sent me an offline message:

"I apologize if I offended you... but certainly I did not mean to. I'm not even sure if I'm sending this to the rigth person, but anyway, have a nice day."

I was puzzled. I looked at the Yahoo ID and coudn't recognize it. I just replied back: "Who is this, please?" and after 1 minute this window popped out: "This is John, if you remember. We chatted in this conference room a few days ago... three of us." Only then I vaguely remembered him. One of my American online friends whom I had known for couple of years had kept talking about this "coworker" who was a nice guy, loved cats and played the classical guitar, "just like you, Tina!" he had exclaimed. I had not paid any attention, though, since despite of his sheer intelligence, this friend of mine was not mentally/emotionally stable, and I was used to his episodes of getting excited over weird things. After a while, he had asked me if it was ok to invite his friend to this conference room, so that three of us could chat. I had said, "sure, go ahead" while multitasking, editing my essays and so on. He introduced him to me, and we all had a short conversation there, perhaps 5 minutes, and we finally got into a mild argument perhaps, then I had to say bye and get back to my essays. Later John told me he had hurriedly copied/pasted my yahoo ID in the conference room to be able to send me messages later!

And there he was. After couple of months, John once casually mentioend that he had got to this point in his life he had desperately started praying to God to send his woman to him. And he had met me after a few weeks. I was not surprised.

How to Enhance the Romance by any Chance

It took me a while till I learnt how not to nag about John being chained to the computer, playing "Counterstrike" round the clock. Not only that, it even proved insightful:

I actually decided to join him playing the game in the second week after my arrival here, since I knew that no matter what, even if I moved the heavens and the earth, he would not stop playing his favorite game less than 3 hours a day. So, I decided to use some "IQ" ["Intelligence Quotient" according to Merriam Webster Dictionary] instead of some 4HQ ["Hit-Him-Hard-on-the-Head Quotient" according to me] but for some reason, I ended up actually liking the silly game!

Now I often end up in the "terrorist" team (the red guys), and he often ends up in the "counter-terrorist" team (the blue guys), so we have to kill each other on the monitor (not in real life, at least). It may sound funny, but playing this game has taught me a lot about John and his feelings for me:

When I am in the same team with him (happens rarely), he gets so protective around me. He keeps marching forward, telling me to follow him, jumping up and down on the screen to show me where he is when I lose his track, covering me, shooting any "bastard" who wants to shoot me, typing words on the monitor, warning the guys over there to keep away from CatByte (that's my game ID, John's is MooseByte), and finally, when I get shot (which doesn't take much time), he snaps at the guy who had shot me, and no matter what, he takes vengeance right away by shooting him 957957392 times or more: "You kill my wife, ha? You @$#^%$&"! [I don't want parents to lock my weblog for protecting their kids].

If I end up in the enemy team, he sighs, "Sweetie, you're the enemy", then he tries so hard just to avoid facing me, he maneuvers a lot not to shoot at me, and finally when I corner him and start shooting at him, either he says apologetically, "I'm sorry, my love, but I have to kill you", and when I'm dead, he says, "Oh no, I feel so bad that I killed you", or, he gladly lets me kill him, then he shouts enthusiastically: "Look sweetie! You just killed me! That was good job! I'm so proud of you!"

Well, for some reason (actually, for an obvious reason), I started loving John more after sharing the experience of playing his favorite computer game. Perhaps some of you ladies out there who are fed up to the teeth with the silly hobbies of your men would want to try what I did: Simply go ahead and join the silliness! It will be smart doing that, and besides, you may end up actually liking it.